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| where to start. lots of drama the last few months. moved to denver with Draven in case i haddnt mentioned it already in one of the sparatic posts i throw on here now and again. We're doing alright working on getting my id and ss card back (lost both shortly after i moved) so i can get a new job. Dated a guy named Gizzo for a while and for those that didnt catch the past tense use of the word dated, it didnt go very well. I've come to a conclusion. being Poly is both a blessing and a curse. on the positive side i can have more that just D(not that D isnt plenty but its nice to have the option) on the negative side i'm finding that it causes unwanted drama in my life. I love D but i dont know how he's done it so long. I was saying that if you put gizzo and draven together it would be the perfect man for me, untill however, i realized how much like ian Gizzo is. I saw the warning signs of an abusive man and jumped ship quick, not getting sucked into that one again.
Then theres the group or the crew as i called them untill recently. makes me wanna go running to the old MO crew and ask them why i ever left them in the first place. when your "friends" make you homesick for easier, less drama ridden times its sad. now i know that drama is a part of life, theres nothing we can do about that, but i mean really people, when you have a friend who is so depressed she starts crying out for help the fact that you stubbed your toe or the fact that your mother is in the hospital AGAIN for being crazy just doesnt matter. i'm sorry you stubbed your toe, or that your mother is as crazy as they come but i'm going to deal with the most imediate problem first. I've been called selfish more times than i can count this week and i've got one thing to say about it. maybe i am. maybe spending time with someone who just needs someone to listen, to hang out with is taking the easy way out. but maybe its also removing myself from the petty shit so I dont end up going crazy. I've had a lot of personal drama in my life before i know it gets overwhelming but i'm tired of these people that CAN'T have one good day. I'm talking about the people who have decided if they arnt sad they'll find something to be sad and/or pissy about. cant we just grow up, drop the highschool...scratch that...grade school drama of he said/she said and enjoy life....theres a beautiful snow on the ground and all i hear is how cold it is or how ugly it is after all the cars have driven on the roads. solution? lock yourself inside your house so that i dont have to hear the negative side of EVERYTHING or find the beauty in life, because believe it or not it really is there.
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| heres a run down on my blogs from other sites...godsgirlddqtwwssda@yahoo.com...thats my myspace I'm on there more than anything. I've said it before and I'll say it again I hate two-faced people. I get so tired of trying to keep up with what people are saying. "your pagan so your going to hell" changes to " I was just upset you know God loves you" what the hell. I really don't care either way, and have no place in my heart for people like that. stick to your convictions if you think I'm damned to hell than fine so be it. yet another exacple is someone that can't do something as simple as a few things around the house when thats all that the person asks you to do. its sad when I've known her for a week and a half and shes already on my last nerve. Or the person that you meet at the club who seems cool as hell you realize that though they say they're in an open marrage means that she can fuck whoever she wants but if he wants someone other than her they have to "talk about it" I just don't get it why limit someone you claim to love.
I came out to my mom today about being bisexual and pagan. aparently the only thing she could think to say was how I was going aginst gods will. like D said where is she getting her information, a good percentage of most observed species on earth have homosexual or bisexual tendancies. just because I happen to find women attractive doesn't mean that I'm going to hell. and honestly I'd rather spend eternaty in hell being myself that spend it in heaven pretending to be something I'm not. Long story short you have your beliefs let me have mine adding to the list...woot! why do people insist on feeling sorry for themselves, what good can it possiably do? I'm tired of the people that ask you what you think and then as soon as you tell this your this horriable person who just doesn't want to see them happy. if you ask me why your relationships never work then I'm going to tell you what I think. don't turn me into the bad guy just because you didn't like what I had to say. I'm tired of people that just mindlessly ask what I think and when they hear it they get scared off, or tell me that I've changed. no I've grown up, I know that the world isn't a perfect place and sometimes the text book answer doesn't work. I'm simply trying to give them advise that they may not have heard yet. ask me why relationships never work...well look at the one constant in all of your relationships...more than likely the only constant is you. maybe its time to take a step back and reevaluate yourself. aparently I'm being a bad person by suggesting it. I don't know anymore. if i keep it up I'm going to lose more and more people however if they can't take what i say without getting pissed off and storming out of my life are they really worth the time and effort to begin with? why is it when you attempt to connect with someone on a deeper level they freeze? its like they're afraid to think. I'll admit I used to be very close-minded. I mean hell I broke up with one of my soul-mates because i was told it was taboo for a Christian to date a pagan. who cares love is love. I'm tired of these close-minded people who can't think outside of their own world. I don't care what you believe as long as you can tell me why you believe it and extend me the same courtesy. don't tell me I'm going to hell because I don't believe exactly the same way you do." It's not easy to the person that can't back it up" is what my friend Tech has to say when asked why deeper conversation is so hard, and I'm beginning to agree with.
question: why do people let fear run their lives? I mean if you have a great opportunity and the only excuse you can give me is my boyfriend doesn't want me to go, I don't see that as a good reason. IDK maybe my idea of living is different from other peoples. I really don't see living in a town of less that 1000 people letting a man run my life as living and from people I've talked to neither to many other people. If you don't take a risk how can you expect to grow in life. I understand where these people are coming from everyone has to have their Ian period, but it frustrates me that they can't see past the nose on their face. " I love him" I'm so tired of hearing that excuse. you may love him but how much does a man/woman than wants to control your every move really love you. if its not a mutual love I see it as a waste of time anymore. maybe I'm in a cynical mood, I don't know, but I see those kind of relationships as a waste of time these days. like I said I can understand to a point because I've been there, but that's just stupid.
yet another oh so fun topic...why do people let a lack of self esteem get in the way? I'm still guilty of this. I still have to fight the thought that I don't deserve such an amazing man. I can understand where the thoughts come from, however, letting it run your life is again just stupid. I may at times not feel that I deserve a man like draven but I'm still up here with him, because I know that he loves me. there are so many people that deserve so much better, but because they don't feel they do they stay with abusive people. it's taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel I deserve to be loved for who I am, not a mirror of what people want to see. I'm so tired of talking to people who are so far from what they could be but just can't see it. it breaks my heart. but at the same time the pain of my past forces me to understanding. is there a middle ground. is there a point where we can understand yet still guide. all I've seen so far is frustration coming from the fact some of these people are the same people that did so much to try and get me away from Ian. seeing myself hurts more than I ever thought it could. I want to smack them, I want to hold them and I have no idea which would help more. maybe I've just reached the point where I need to step back and quite trying to fix the world. the white knight complex I have is getting me no where. maybe the people in my life have reached the point where I was a year and a half ago, maybe they only people that can save them are themselves. it hurts to watch what they may have to go through in order to see the situation they are in, but maybe its the best way. if they come to me for advice fine, but maybe being the white knight waiting to swoop in is only holding myself back. and what does it teach them anyway, to be more dependant on other people, which is part of the problem to begin with. people fail, its going to happen. being dependant on people only makes the situation worse. you go from depending on abusive people to depending on people who seem abusive because they only want what's best for you and the only way to get through to you in to channel someone that broke you in more ways than one. I'm one of those people whether I want to admit it or not. I lean on people because its all I've ever known. but I've come to a decision. People are good for support but if you use them to define your life, even the people that are best for you become poison, whether they mean to or not. Ready for another look into my mind? I promise its not as offensive as some have found the last few. The more I think about the world outside of my own social circle the more frustrated I become. I've learned that most people are hypocrites when say they want honesty yet get pissed off at you if actually try to play by that rule. So many people these days have the mindset that it's my way or the highway. I may seem to come across that way at times, however most of the time I'm simply attempting to present a world outside of what people know. I hate having to be mean to try to help friends grow and lately that seems to be all I've been doing. However as I take a step back I notice that it seems to be what everyone has been needing. People are too nice and not honest enough. I for one love the fact that my friends can and will take me down a notch to help me see the big picture in a situation. Its time to grow up and say what you mean. If I piss you off then tell me, I'll take enough of a step back to get you calmed down and then start bashing you against the wall to break it down again…lol…all I want is the best for anyone I care about and if I have to play the villain than so be it. Yes your situation sucks but what are you doing about it? How is my coddling you and petting your ego going to help? It hasn't helped yet and its not going to, cold, hard, facts. Like I told a friend, if this is what you need this is what your going to get. I love my friends, which is why I'm so honest. How can you seriously say you love someone if once and awhile you don't kick them in the ass or smack them in the head to jump start a thought process. I'll admit it, a lot of this comes from frustration. There are so few connections I can actually call true in my life and all I'm asking for is for the people I feel I connected with to have more to say than hi, life sucks, and good bye. Thought provoking conversations don't seem like a lot to ask to me but maybe I am asking too much. I want more than anything to grow and learn, and people see it as a fault. I see the world in a much different light than I did a few years ago and I see it as a good thing. I'm not saying that everyone should see it my way, in fact it would make for a very boring world. All I want to do is shed some light on a different view point. One that most, although not all, are afraid to look at. If I offend you in the process it is not my intention, see that if nothing else. I love you all dearly and don't intend to drive anyone away. I just know that if I ask someone their honest opinion that's what I want not to be coddled or told I'm right all the time. Some of the dearest people in my life are the ones that knock me down ask me if I've learned my lesson yet and then help me get back up. I may seem to cause some of the issues to some people, but remember, if I'm hitting you hard, then I care enough to be there to pick you back up again. I love you all very much and I just want to see you achieve, and be truly happy in life. | | |
| yes I am alive, belive it or not. I';m living in the middle of nowhere at the moment, other than that not much to repeort. I'm kinda down at the moment. I'm feeling kinda unwanted in the world. my boyfriend has been down about other stuff and not really paying that much attention to me, and its odd. doesn't bothor me persay, just hurts that he won't open up and tell me whats wrong. I've been talking to Draven again, nothing serous, jsut a few chats here and there. but I've got more of an urge to open up toi him thanb I do my boyfriend. its nothing aginst Cory hes an amazing guy, but Draven jsut has a way of putting things that seem to make sense. all I want iss to be held and told everything will be ok...why is it that the only guy willing to do that isn't the one that should I don't know just some thoughts. no computer at teh moment(at my moms tonight) so I'm not on here often, but I love you all and I'll talk to you later | | |
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while
its still fresh in my mind I have some comments about todays service.
the way I see it, if Jesus' deciples, or just the poeple around him in
general were willing to drop everything, give up the world as they knew
it, to follow him, why is it such a struggle for me to give up even a
few hours a week. if I have to force myself to get up on Sunday
mornings, then how in the world to I expect to impact the people around
me? I'm also sick and tired of being ashamed of a God we know is so
AWESOME. he's done more for me than I could even begin to list in my
life. I'm tired of not speaking up in the break room when they make fun
of the guy for praying over his meals. I'm sick of being afraid to tell
someone that I like their Christian shirt because someone might say
something. I told kurt today, I'm just sick of being a one-day-a-week Christian. its not fair to God, and honestly its not fair to me. How
many blessings do we miss out on but doing that? I dunno, thats my rambling for the day. I can almost gaurentee there will be more when I
clear my head a little bit. I love you all
JRMFO
Kayla | | |
| Hebrews 10:26(and a bit beyond although I'm sure where it stops) kinda makes me think. Jim brought up a good point while I was talking to him on sunday. people say that we should question our salvation, but shouldn't we constantly question our salvation. not that we can lose it perse, but the way we look at it? I mean I hear(and said many times) oh whats the big deal, just as for forgiveness, it's all good, it doesn't matter what I do. I can do my dope, smoke my weed, ect. but if we repeatedly sin, and then as for forgiveness, are we really forgiven, because are we honestly sorry? its one of those things thats just hard for me to reason though. I'm dealing with a lot of temptation, even though I've pretty much pulled myself out of the situation where I can get my hands on the meth and the weed. I went through and deleted my dealers numbers, ect. but I honestly is that really gonna stop me if I try and do thins on my own, yeah I can call friends and they can talk me out of it for the time being , but I mean there's gonna be that night where its just too unbearable, where I don't call a friend. what then. all I can do is Pray. all I can do is ask for strength. but then God doesn't always give us what we ask for, he tends to give us opportunities to be strong. recently I haven't really noticed them. just got mad at God for not making me strong enough to get through them. thats gotta stop. I don't know, maybe the start is doing what I really don't want to. maybe thats the biggest part of the healing process. but how can I turn my back on them. I know it should be easy, but they were my only allies at one time, or so I thought. is it really in my, and everyone best interest to get them off the streets, some of them for good? one of them would be looking at 25-30 years. thats a long time because I think its best. I know this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. thats why I put it on here. I figure theres not many people on here anyway. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm not ready for these kind of decisions. I'm young, I just wanna figure out what I'm doing later tonight, before I try and figure out forever. and I mean is it my place to decide their fates like that? should I just wait for them to get caught. but then how many lives am I letting them ruin? I mean look at what mine was. should I only turn in the ones that made me mad. they all contributed to my habits, but then only because I asked them to. man things get confusing when I ramble, I'm gonna go before I hurt my head thinking too much. sorry to those of you that actually read this, just needed a place to put it. if your wondering what the story behind it is, ask, I'll tell you, I have nothing to hide anymore. I'm finding the best way to deal is to talk. I love you guys Kayla | | |
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